Wednesday, 22 April 2015 09:49 pm
theremainsofmywastedyouth: (my face)


the problem with being nb in my experience is primarily that i’ve spent so much of my life experiencing my gender as “i guess i fit mostly in this box because really, the other box hardly fits at all and there’s no other box to try out” that now, i spend most of my time reanalyzing and studying and reaffirming and trying to prove to myself beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is what fits because what if maybe it possibly doesn’t fit and i’m totally wrong so i feel i have to keep proving my gender

i honestly feel like if we learned there were options, and that being the gender you were assigned may not actually fit, this feeling might not be as strong. but then, first society would have to accept that being trans is a thing, and then would further have to accept that not everything is black and white, esp. not gender, and our ideas of gender have been passed down and reaffirmed for so long because we’ve forced it into every orifice of all the other cultures of the world that it’s nearly impossible to be like, “well shit i guess we were literally wrong about everything to do with gender tbh” especially when there are so many people in the world who are cis and feel no need to question gender expectations because they are cis and the world is designed around and for cis people

no, i’m not making sense. And no, i don’t care.
So basically this is my way of explaining that I'm sad right now, mildly depressed, and overall just not dealing well but trying my best.
Also, I miss writing so maybe I'll do some of that soon, or at least I might try it.

theremainsofmywastedyouth: (face)
..and it has been a long day, emotionally.
Something you may eventually learn about me is that I like making lists, as they help with whatever depersonalization I happen to experience after long, shitty days. So, in keeping with my old blogging traditions, I'll be continuing this post in a bullet-list format. I find this easier to read and it allows me to organize my thoughts, giving me some measure of organization and logic in the midst of chaotic inner turmoil.
  • I tend to have weird states wherein I don't entirely identify as myself, so I'll be referring to myself in third-person for my own convenience from here on.
  • Kayleigh has had a long day in every sense of the word.
  • They didn't in fact get much in the way of food today, and they are still debating whether this was intentional or not. In any case, Kayleigh only had a scone and some pretzels for most of the day, and in rehearsal had a few bites of someone else's burrito. They aren't feeling particularly hungry even though, logically, they should be.
  • They also ended up sitting in the car for close to 2 hours waiting for their sisters to be done at the dentist, and missed out on food and homework due to this.
  • Kayleigh also had to follow all this up with rehearsal this evening, which ran much longer than it should have and was rather exhausting emotionally and physically.
  • The issue wasn't inherently the events of the rehearsal so much as the length of it, and the mindset Kayleigh had going into it.
  • Kayleigh missed their evening nap, which is perfectly acceptable because they were otherwise engaged in putting things together and keeping rehearsal running smoothly. However, this also made the night feel much longer than it was.
  • Kayleigh also missed homework and is debating whether they ought to study for their test in anthropology tomorrow, or exercise some ounce of self-care tonight and opt for some (slightly earlier than usual for a weeknight) sleep.
  • They owe their brother money now for the remainder of the vaping kit they've obtained...
  • They are feeling rather upset about a wide variety of things, but the main source of upset appears to be the dissatisfaction with getting older and having time pass that they are constantly dealing with. It is also some measure of nostalgia and melancholy over loss of several very valuable friends in recent months.
  • Kayleigh's rather exhausted and is not able to think straight at all, so has now decided to call it a night.
  • Sorry if this format doesn't appeal to you, but sometimes it is the best way for Kayleigh to write about events in their day-to-day life, especially when experiencing such weird feelings and depersonalization.
I also apologize for any inconvenience this may present in terms of format or natural cadence or rhythm or any other things, this is simply an easier thing for me to do sometimes. I will post more normal things in the future, most often when I'm in a less rickety/strange/awkward mood. Either way, I hope you have a good day/evening/whatever.
theremainsofmywastedyouth: photo of me in a grey sweater and black scarf, with red lipstick, not an hour after my first try dying my hair brown (yoooooooo)
Which is actually nothing new. It's probably bad for me. I do know it's entirely my fault, as is the amount of time I spend in bed when I could be doing productive things like looking for a job...
But none of that is, in fact, the point of this post. And in case anyone's wondering, most of my titles will probably not correlate to the subject matter of the posts specifically, so read it but be aware it won't necessarily be what you are expecting. Anyways, the point of this post is actually an update on how things are going for me because I feel like it's as good a time as any other to talk about my less-than-fascinating life.
First thing's first: I got my license. I got it Tuesday, which still feels to me like yesterday but is technically not because it's technically Thursday. Yeah, anyway, I passed my driving test and now have a paper license, no restrictions, telling me I can legally drive anyone anywhere at any time. It doesn't say that, but it doesn't have the cute little provisional license restrictions I narrowly avoided by waiting to get my permit 'til 2 days before my 18th birthday. Which means I can drive at any time of day or night in any registered vehicle and anyone I want can be in the car, regardless of their age and current license or lack thereof. Which is both exciting and weird.
Also, the show I'm stage managing is both an exciting thing that I'm hella looking forward to and also mildly afraid about, only because I keep screwing up every couple of rehearsals, and little things do surely add up in theatre. I've got to send several different emails for that and continue to be constantly vigilant in regards to my email. And I can't send emails late at night because I have to bcc my instructor/the director, and if she happens to see the time I sent things, she'd worry about me and I don't actually need her worrying because I do more than is necessary all by myself.
And then, in a third area of fascination, I have been exploring mental issues due to research for a term paper for my abnormal psych class. I understand that there is a certain "medical student" effect I must take into consideration, but for the part where I was already aware I had issues and was simply not entirely sure about what words beyond umbrella terms to use. But I know my own experiences, and having known already the general area of each problem, I have wandered my way unintentionally into learning more about myself by finding new words to learn about, and how they apply to me is fairly clear to me.
Also I am worried about my grades in Sociology because while I've yet to miss any huge due dates, there is not much in her grade book and I missed the last class due to my DMV appointment Tuesday, plus there was a tiny 1 pt thing due that is in the 20% weight of the grades I get so like...I'm mildly concerned about what I missed and what I have not read that I should have for that class.
And for another thing, I'm very much enjoying the show I'm working on, but I'm also thrilled tomorrow night's rehearsal was cancelled because now I have an opportunity to maybe see the festival of One-Act plays at my old high school because I really hella miss the students in the drama department there and I'd like to see them act in something, esp something I had no part in. I'm also like 98% sure when I see it I'll be sad I was no part of it, even though I couldn't have been involved at all. But hey, shit happens.
Last thing: I kind of had a thing with this guy and I ended it because of terrible reasons and I feel bad but I felt worse while in it, and now I have to return a few things and idk how because I haven't had the time to see him face-to-face in like, a month so like...what do I do? That question is not one I need an answer for as I'll figure it out eventually.
Anyways, this is it for thoughts. So perhaps now I'll be able to sleep. I'll let you know how it goes..
Night, darlings.


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