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Wednesday, 22 April 2015 09:49 pm
theremainsofmywastedyouth: (my face)

 

the problem with being nb in my experience is primarily that i’ve spent so much of my life experiencing my gender as “i guess i fit mostly in this box because really, the other box hardly fits at all and there’s no other box to try out” that now, i spend most of my time reanalyzing and studying and reaffirming and trying to prove to myself beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is what fits because what if maybe it possibly doesn’t fit and i’m totally wrong so i feel i have to keep proving my gender

i honestly feel like if we learned there were options, and that being the gender you were assigned may not actually fit, this feeling might not be as strong. but then, first society would have to accept that being trans is a thing, and then would further have to accept that not everything is black and white, esp. not gender, and our ideas of gender have been passed down and reaffirmed for so long because we’ve forced it into every orifice of all the other cultures of the world that it’s nearly impossible to be like, “well shit i guess we were literally wrong about everything to do with gender tbh” especially when there are so many people in the world who are cis and feel no need to question gender expectations because they are cis and the world is designed around and for cis people

no, i’m not making sense. And no, i don’t care.
So basically this is my way of explaining that I'm sad right now, mildly depressed, and overall just not dealing well but trying my best.
Also, I miss writing so maybe I'll do some of that soon, or at least I might try it.

theremainsofmywastedyouth: (face)
..and it has been a long day, emotionally.
Something you may eventually learn about me is that I like making lists, as they help with whatever depersonalization I happen to experience after long, shitty days. So, in keeping with my old blogging traditions, I'll be continuing this post in a bullet-list format. I find this easier to read and it allows me to organize my thoughts, giving me some measure of organization and logic in the midst of chaotic inner turmoil.
  • I tend to have weird states wherein I don't entirely identify as myself, so I'll be referring to myself in third-person for my own convenience from here on.
  • Kayleigh has had a long day in every sense of the word.
  • They didn't in fact get much in the way of food today, and they are still debating whether this was intentional or not. In any case, Kayleigh only had a scone and some pretzels for most of the day, and in rehearsal had a few bites of someone else's burrito. They aren't feeling particularly hungry even though, logically, they should be.
  • They also ended up sitting in the car for close to 2 hours waiting for their sisters to be done at the dentist, and missed out on food and homework due to this.
  • Kayleigh also had to follow all this up with rehearsal this evening, which ran much longer than it should have and was rather exhausting emotionally and physically.
  • The issue wasn't inherently the events of the rehearsal so much as the length of it, and the mindset Kayleigh had going into it.
  • Kayleigh missed their evening nap, which is perfectly acceptable because they were otherwise engaged in putting things together and keeping rehearsal running smoothly. However, this also made the night feel much longer than it was.
  • Kayleigh also missed homework and is debating whether they ought to study for their test in anthropology tomorrow, or exercise some ounce of self-care tonight and opt for some (slightly earlier than usual for a weeknight) sleep.
  • They owe their brother money now for the remainder of the vaping kit they've obtained...
  • They are feeling rather upset about a wide variety of things, but the main source of upset appears to be the dissatisfaction with getting older and having time pass that they are constantly dealing with. It is also some measure of nostalgia and melancholy over loss of several very valuable friends in recent months.
  • Kayleigh's rather exhausted and is not able to think straight at all, so has now decided to call it a night.
  • Sorry if this format doesn't appeal to you, but sometimes it is the best way for Kayleigh to write about events in their day-to-day life, especially when experiencing such weird feelings and depersonalization.
I also apologize for any inconvenience this may present in terms of format or natural cadence or rhythm or any other things, this is simply an easier thing for me to do sometimes. I will post more normal things in the future, most often when I'm in a less rickety/strange/awkward mood. Either way, I hope you have a good day/evening/whatever.

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April 2015

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